How To Make Sure You’re Heard At Work

By Rina Goldenberg Lynch

Being Heard in a Challenging Exchange
In an Harvard Business Review paper entitled How To Make Sure You’re Heard In a Difficult Conversation, Amy Gallo suggests we focus on what matters to us and express things that way.

It’s easy to point fingers and lay blame at others’ feet.  The trouble is, no-one likes to be at the receiving end of criticism, so if they think that you’re criticising them, they won’t be in listening mode.  If you can, however, voice what niggles you about the situation, people will be much more inclined to hear and even take responsibility for their action.  So, instead of saying ‘Since I’ve been here, you’ve promoted only white men’ try saying ‘I feel like I’m being passed up for promotion for my colleagues who appear to be doing exactly the same as I do’.

As part of any difficult exchange, it’s important to maintain one’s composure and focus on getting to a constructive solution.  So, once you’ve identified what you want out of the situation, think about what words will take you off-track and what kind of communication will convey the opposite of what you want to achieve.  Is your body language betraying your true feelings about what you hear and hence steering you off course?  Is the pitch of your voice giving away heightened emotions that would not be conducive to the desired outcome?

Keeping your eye on the prize makes it easier to ensure you use the right words and gestures.  Using phrases that gently swipe away any derailing attempts will make it easier to stay on course.  Gallo suggests using phrases like these to avoid escalation:

  • “You may be right, but I’d like to understand more.”
  • “I have a completely different perspective, but clearly you think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?”
  • “I’m not sure how this connects to what we’ve been talking about. Can you help me make the connection?”
  • “I’d like to give my reaction to what you’ve said so far, and see what you think.”
  • “This may be more my perception than yours, but when you said ‘X,’ I felt . . .”
  • “Is there anything I can say or do that might convince you to consider other options here?”

Being Heard in a Meeting
One thing we often do, when it’s our time to present ideas or provide an update, is talk too quickly. We sometimes feel the need to fill every space we get with words. Yet, if you take a look around and observe how people with influence speak, you will probably notice that they speak slowly. And clearly. They pause a lot, giving their audience a chance to catch up with their words.

Speaking without haste doesn’t just give people the chance to properly understand what you’re saying, it also gives the speaker an air of confidence and gravitas. It makes the content of what is being said more persuasive.

We also tend to speed up when we’re nervous, so if we intentionally slow ourselves down, we will come across more confidently – and that will impact how what we say is heard.

Another thing we tend to do, particularly when slightly nervous, is to either use no physical gestures or exaggerate them. Gestures are important as they emphasize our points for us quite neatly – but only if they’re consistent with what we’re saying. They’re particularly useful when we finish one point and go onto another, if we transition through a ‘neutral’ state when our body is quite still and at ease, before moving on to the next point that might introduce more gestures.

Finally, it’s helpful to give the listeners a structure, so they know exactly where they are at all times.

  • Start by introducing the topic. (I’m going to talk you through our launch of an internal comms campaign to introduce our new values.)
  • Tell them what you’ll be discussing. (I’ll be covering 3 different ways in which we plan to do this: First, …)
  • When you’ve finished the first point, take a short pause, then conclude before moving to the next point.  (So this is point 1. The second way is….).
  • Once you’ve covered everything you wanted to say, summarise. (So, to summarise, we will be launching in 3 ways, 1…2… and 3…).
  • Now signal that you’ve finished and open it up to whatever should come next. (I’m happy to take any questions, comments or observations.)

In short, bearing in mind how what we’re saying is being heard will vastly improve our chance of being listened to.

Does your organisation hear everyone’s voice?

This month, we have been looking at the Business case for Diversity and Inclusion – how it benefits both a company’s bottom line and the people who work there.  We often talk about the Diversity Journey Roadmap, which stretches from those very few organisations that still don’t see any benefit at all from D&I, to those that are actively building a D&I foundation, or are even in the ultimate position of having established a genuinely inclusive culture that benefits from the full value of it diverse workforce! Voice At The Table exists to help companies move along this continuum to a place of genuine inclusion.

Wherever you think your organisation is on this journey, I hope you consider it to be a good place to work, that you like it there and you respect its values and practices.

I am quite sure, however, that there are ways in which it could improve. For instance, it could be more inclusive for more people –  be a place where everyone’s contribution is welcomed and valued, irrespective of their gender, ethnicity or background.

Without a doubt, there is already diversity within your organisation. But not everyone’s voice is heard or listened to.

You can improve your business performance and everyone’s job satisfaction, simply by hearing more from people who aren’t usually heard. When people feel included and valued, their levels of engagement and motivation rise and they more readily bring fresh ideas and innovation which boosts their sense of ownership of the business objectives.

Let’s look at one proven way to ensure all voices are welcomed and valued, particularly in meetings:

We know that 70% of contributions in meetings come from 25% of the participants.  One simple way to make meetings more inclusive is to introduce ‘Rounds’, where the chair asks a question of the group, a volunteer answers first and then everyone answers that same question in sequence around the table, going clockwise (or counter-clockwise) from the person who volunteered.  In this way, everyone’s voice is heard and people know when it’s their turn (and those who are slightly more nervous about the fact they have to speak eventually get used to it after participating in two or three Rounds).

I recommend starting a meeting with a Round to ensure everyone hears their voice out loud early – that makes it more likely that they speak again during the meeting.  Evidence shows that, the longer a person goes without speaking in a meeting, the less likely they are to speak up in that meeting at all, even when they have a contribution to make.

An Opening Round at the start of the meeting can be a point of ‘check-in’, a simple question about what went well for the team last week, or what each person’s super-power is, or what book or TV programme has got them currently gripped.  A friendly, non-threating Round also has the benefit of putting people at ease, opening their minds to improved thinking and contribution.

A recent article in the Financial Times entitled Women in Meetings Should be Heard as Well as Seen stated that “Efforts to diversify leadership teams and workforces are finally bearing fruit. To benefit, however, companies must ensure that people with different perspectives are heeded, respected and retained rather than just present, resented or ignored.”  This applies not only to women but also to every minority group you could name.

So, improving your workplace’s diversity and inclusion can be as simple as tapping into the existing diversity of your current people. To do that, I invite you to listen to everyone and really hear them.

If you liked this post, you may also like What’s the Verdict on Unconscious Bias?

It’s time to confess.

It’s National Inclusion Week so I ask myself, am I really inclusive?

To me, being inclusive means first and foremost to welcome and to value that which is different; to appreciate those who look or sound different as enrichment; to know that a new or different person or experience does not pose a threat to my value system.

So am I inclusive?

It’s hard to be inclusive.  Our natural instincts tell us to stick to what we know.  We love our repeat patterns, our experienced learnings, the familiar.  Our primitive brain (the emotional one) steers us towards the familiar and guards us against the unfamiliar.  It constantly alerts us “Watch out!  They look suspicious! We don’t know their type! They are not like us and therefore unpredictable!” It’s hard for our thinking brain (the neocortex) to override our fearing, second-guessing, reluctant brain.  And most of that prodding happens subconsciously – how are we meant to confront that?

For me, inclusion is not about ignoring the impulsive, instantaneous brain – that’s simply impossible to achieve.  It’s about understanding that we are being guided by the under-informed, hasty part of our brain and knowing how to question its urging.

This, I know we I can do.

In an effort to make it a little easier for myself and for others to be more inclusive, I have broken down inclusion to 8 inclusive behaviours.  Most of these 8 behaviours are self-explanatory and when you see them you’ll say That makes sense. The challenge is to improve in each of these behaviours, to fine-tune its application and to keep doing that for the rest of our lives.

Let me give you a flavour of what I mean by looking at Empathy and Listening – 2 of the 8 inclusive behaviours.

  1. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to step into another person’s shoes, so to speak, to try to understand what they might be experiencing.  What does it feel like to be asked Where are you from? each time you meet a new person just because you look different from most of those around you?  What is it like to constantly hide the fact that your husband or wife is of the same sex as you?  What is it like to be watched by the security guard every time you enter a store because you’re black?

To understand that, we need to develop our empathy ‘muscle’.  We start by second-guessing our natural reactions.  For instance, when you pass someone you’ve met a couple of times in a social setting and they completely ignore you, our immediate thought is they don’t remember you.  But if you give it some thought, you might reach a different conclusion. It could be that they can’t see well without their glasses, or that they’re deep in thought about something and simply didn’t register you.  Imagine yourself in that situation, have you ever been ‘accused’ of not seeing someone who was almost literally in front of you?  What are you like sometimes when you’re walking along?  Do you notice everything and everyone?  If not, why not?  Purposely putting yourself in their shoes makes it easier to see more reasons for their behaviour and easier to understand them. It’s a practiced ritual that, when done in simple everyday encounters eventually extends to situations which are more difficult to understand, like ‘white privilege’.

  1. Listening

Listening in this context means more than just hearing.  Listening is about giving someone the opportunity to present their perspective and acknowledging that perspective as someone else’s rightful view.  In this day and age, we are so ingrained in our opinions about everything.  Instead of listening, we tend to want to persuade and, if that fails, we go on the attack.  Social media is full of voices that attempt to drown out other voices.

To listen in order to be more inclusive means acknowledging the fact that another’s viewpoint might have merit, and acknowledging it to them, even if we disagree.  “I hear what you’re saying and I can see where you’re coming from…” even if it might then be qualified with a “but”.  Practising this with our friends, family members and colleagues who are like us will make it easier to do with people who are unlike us.

The world has moved on.  Like it or not, we can’t stand still.  We need to break down our old patterns of interaction, be it at home or at work.  Becoming more inclusive is about practising to do so with intent in any situation.  We need to train our brains to be more discerning and not just follow ingrained patterns.  We need to bring some of the unconscious thought processes into the conscious so that we can unravel them and reform new, more complex patterns of behaviours and attitudes.

This, to me, is what being inclusive is all about.  With this in mind, I can breathe a sigh of relief and declare that I am more inclusive now than I was even a year ago.

Can you do the same?

To find out more about our 8 Inclusive Behaviours, contact Rina.

10 Tips to Beat the Winter Blues: Tip Number Five

RECONNECT WITH A LOVED ONE

Creación_de_Adán_(Miguel_Ángel)

Recently I was inspired to share 10 tips on how our surroundings might help improve our mood and outlook.  To read more about what inspired me, see my post on LinkedIn Pulse HERE.

My FIRST TIP was about losing your mind in the present.  My SECOND was about letting someone else guide you for a day.  My THIRD ONE encourages you to try something new or something that you haven’t done for a long time, and the FOURTH TIP is about greeting someone you don’t know.

Today’s tip is reconnecting with a loved one.

If you’re anything like me, your life is so busy with work and family that it’s easy to forget you have a partner or children that need more than logistical commands and instructions once in a while.   It’s easy to take certain people for granted and sometimes they may not get the attention and treatment that they deserve.

If you can relate, I recommend making it part of your plan over the holidays to set aside some time for your loved ones.  This could be in the form of a dinner date with your partner, or a night away together.  It could be going to the cinema with one of your children and chat afterwards about the film.  You could take the kids swimming or bowling or simply to their favourite haunt or restaurant, taking the time to engage them in conversation.

Find out from your loved one what has been on their mind recently – school, work, their parents or siblings. How are their dance classes coming along, or who is the most popular kid in class.  What’s the work situation with your partner – who has been supportive and who hasn’t.  Of course you have these conversations daily or, at least, regularly.  But do you actually listen to their replies and engage with them?  If you’re like me, you’ll be guilty of at least once in a while not being as attentive to them as we should be.

So if you can, take the time for that someone who loves you and remind yourself of how and why you loved them in the first place.

Next tip: Find Inspiration.