inclusion | Voice At The Table

Is Toxic Masculinity Rife In Your Organisation?

In a recent blog, we referred to a report on Men and Suicide from the Samaritans, which explained that men compare themselves against an old-fashioned standard of masculinity that is toxic. That, in turn, leads to feelings of shame and defeat when they don’t feel they measure up to it.

Some of that toxic masculinity is very visible, but it’s much harder to spot when it is passive. In our recent webinar Escaping the Glass Mancave, Phil Cox shared that passive toxic masculinity includes:

Encouragement to toughen up
Emotional repression, ‘Stiff upper lip’ attitude
Self-medicating
Suffering in silence
Not wanting to burden others
Not asking for help, or admitting you don’t know something
Feeling unable to express weakness, sadness or confusion

Workplaces can unwittingly encourage toxic masculinity. Yet, it’s not always easy to spot. For example, perseverance and stoicism are admirable qualities, but when they’re taken too far they can become toxic.

So how do you know whether toxic masculinity is rife in your organisation?

Below are 5 signs that show your workplace is affected by toxic masculinity.

Long working hours are expected

There is a culture of always being ‘on’. People are expected to work ultra-hard, and work is almost seen as an Olympic sport. The job is expected to be put above all else, which regularly results in people coming to work when ill, and being applauded for it too. In contrast to that, in a healthier work environment, it is recognised that regular breaks and rest support productivity.

Struggling to cope is seen as a weakness

People are mocked for talking about their feelings or admit they struggle to cope. There are few mental health programmes, or support is offered mainly to women. When an activity related to mindfulness is suggested, there is a negative response. When there are mental health or mindfulness programmes, jokes are made about them.

People are expected to sink or swim

When someone talks about an issue, they are told to grit their teeth, suck it up and get on with. Or they are told, ‘this is what we are paying you for’. In contrast, in a healthier work environment, they would be encouraged to talk about their feelings and offered support.

Not asking for help is the norm

People take everything on themselves. They don’t admit it when they don’t know something or regularly take on too much work. This leads to substandard work and is a major cause of stress and mental health issues. In contrast, in a healthier work environment, people would be offered guidance and support. After all, this is how people learn.

Caring and nurturing responsibilities are not accepted

When someone leaves early for caring responsibilities it is frowned upon. Asking for flexible work or taking time off for the family is detrimental to someone’s career. Parental leave is unacceptable for men. In contrast, in a healthier work environment, the need for work-life balance is acknowledged and encouraged.

As these 5 points illustrate, a work culture that encourages toxic masculinity impacts both men and women at work, and impacts negatively on end results as well as staff wellbeing. A work environment that encourages toxic masculinity cannot be inclusive.

To change this culture, a different type of behaviour should be rewarded. Reward calmness, openness, tenderness, compassion and accountability. In addition, encourage people to be reflective and mindful, to ask for help and to express feelings such as sadness and confusion. Try it! You might be surprised by how many men thank you for it.

Phil Cox helps organisations develop a healthy work culture where men and women can thrive. He regularly facilitates ‘safe space’ conversations for men and helps develop male support networks.

Do you have more questions? If you would like to book our Escaping the Glass Mancave interactive session for your workplace, or discuss how Phil could help you identify and resolve issues around toxic masculinity in your workplace, contact us.

What is your Superpower?

By Rina Goldenberg Lynch

Recently, we’ve been exploring whether those of us who don’t fit the company mould can still succeed by being themselves, including those who lead differently, like Gareth Southgate.

Today, I want to make the case for embracing what makes us different and knowing that – far from being ‘misfits’ – we actually have a ‘superpower’.

I take inspiration from a NY Times article written by one of the many women who found herself to be the ‘only’ woman – in fact the only black woman – in her team at work. The article talks about the pro’s and con’s of being the only one, and gives us tips on how to make it less lonely. It reminds us that each of us has something special to contribute and to regard our team/organisation as lucky to have that contribution.

But I want to take it one step further. I want to encourage you – if you feel different from the rest for whatever reason – gender, ethnicity, sexuality, height, cultural background, singledom, sense of humour… truly, whatever the reason – to own the characteristic that makes you feel that way and treat it like your superpower.

Think about it: some of the most well-known people – from Grace Jones to Ed Sheeran to Rebel Wilson to Mr. T – have cultivated their ‘difference’ as a strength. OK, these people are outliers. In addition to their ‘difference’, they also have oodles of talent. But that doesn’t change anything.

Can you think of someone you know who stands out in some way and yet, you hardly notice it because they are comfortable in their skin? Instead of hiding whatever peculiarity they might have, they feed it with humour, ease and comfort. Their distinguishing characteristic becomes part and parcel of who they are and lifts them above the rest. I’ve seen it with people who are overweight, people who are much shorter than average, people who are not academic and heavily-accented people. When you meet them, you might notice their distinguishing characteristic, but once you’ve had a conversation with them, you don’t see it any more. They simply become a person who is funny or witty or interesting or popular. You see them as someone who, instead of wearing their difference as a burden, wears it as a mark of distinction. What many might consider an unfortunate feature has been turned into a badge of honour.

How does this work?
It’s simple, really. When we bow to society’s pressure to conform, anything that sets us apart from the ‘norm’ makes us feel excluded. So we quietly hide it (by wearing heels if we’re short or stooping down if we’re tall), or downplay it (by mumbling through a complicated sentence or omitting references to unfamiliar yet well-known authors) or we exaggerate our behaviour (by boasting about a successful friend or buying excessive rounds of drinks). Of course, people still notice what we’re trying to de-emphasise.

When, however, we bring our ‘oddity’ to the fore and treat it like it’s the most common feature on earth, what people see is our confident personality and us – not the very thing that’s different about us. They perceive our peculiarity as our superpower – not because it is, but because we treat it like one.

Why is this important?
We live in a society that is rapidly evolving; one that needs the contribution of every individual – no matter how different. We can contribute greatly to this evolution if we are comfortable with what makes us different. Only then can we confidently talk about our authentic experiences and bring our whole selves to work. Only then will our contribution form part of those creative solutions that every organisation desperately needs. This is where the true benefit of Diversity is.

When I was young, one of my teachers told us that we must learn to love ourselves before anyone else can love us. That continues to apply today: if you respect yourself – warts and all – others will respect you in the same way.

And when that happens, the world can be your oyster indeed.

If you liked this article, you might also enjoy reading The Threat of Righteousness

Active Voice: 5 Ways to Banish those Winter Blues

While we’re all happy to see the back of 2020, we may be grappling with the annual post-Christmas despondency amid short, winter days and the cloak of Covid continuing to mute our freedoms, lifestyle and habits. But the days are (gradually) lengthening and the vaccine is being rolled out and there are many ways to stay positive. We show you how.

Get Moving: When the Mercury falls to single digits, throwing on your trainers and Lycra and braving the elements can easily play second – or no – fiddle to slumping on the sofa with a hot cup of tea and starting another Netflix series. But experts agree that exercise is a great way to boost your mood. It triggers the release of endorphins into the bloodstream, relieving pain and producing a feeling of well-being. A lack of exercise increases your risk of anxiety and depression.
Stop over-thinking: People often dwell on problems, going over and over the same negative thoughts without making any progress to resolve them. If you’ve been worrying about a problem for 30 minutes or more without coming up with a plan of action, or you’ve been going over questions with no answers, it’s time to stop. The main objective is to shift your focus from worries to practical problem-solving. Stop and ask yourself what steps you can take to address the problem, break it into realistic components and set about taking the bull by the horns.
Set a new target: Drawing up a new goal helps to focus the mind. It could be something big and demanding, like learning a new language or something small like challenging yourself to read more or switch off your screen an hour before going to bed. If it’s outside your comfort zone, and it’s pushing you forward, it gives you a focus and a sense of control. This, in turn can give you a sense of self-worth.
Reach out to people: The pandemic has made it a lot harder to be with others in person, and winter can make it even less attainable. That’s a big issue for millions of people and the mental health consequences for some will be serious. So, try to maximise social contact opportunities. Isolated people are more likely to focus on themselves and this can make them feel even more alone. Reach out when you can, and if Covid-19 means you can’t do that in person, make that phone call to a friend, or arrange to talk online.
Train yourself to be optimistic: Optimists live longer, have better relationships and better immune systems. Try writing down three things – each day – that you’re grateful about, to force yourself to focus on what’s gone well and why. It’ll fire up the left-hand side of your brain, which is associated with positivity. Emotions are contagious, so try to steer away from negative, glass-half-empty people who are constantly complaining, otherwise you’ll find yourself becoming one of those people too!

And if you want more advice on how to banish the blues, email us to obtain the recording of our recent virtual session on this topic by psychotherapist and coach Phil Cox.

Guest Blog: Ensuring Gender Equality During the Holidays

By Anna Calvin*

With Christmas fast approaching, people are preparing to take a break from their work to spend time with family. However, gender inequality issues in the workplace are not taking time off. Women are experiencing reductions in salary, while others are losing their jobs. These setbacks, along with micro-aggressions, are preventing gender parity. I offer four tips to help your company bridge the gender inequality gap this holiday season.

Delegate tasks fairly

Apart from a pay gap, women also suffer from a stress gap. According to research, female workers are more likely to struggle with work-related stress than male workers. This is because they are pressured to perform well in light of gender prejudices. This can become more severe during the holiday season as work intensifies. To avoid this, ensure that you’re giving all your employees a reasonable number of tasks, regardless of gender. All it takes is some extra planning. Verizon Connect’s Holly Dempster highlights the importance of planning ahead. Additionally, ensure that there is a plan for emergencies so that women don’t have to bear the brunt of holiday workplace stress. You can lean on technology to help you schedule and delegate tasks more efficiently, but don’t neglect the importance of communicating with your team, either.

2. Reject the notion that shopping for gifts is a woman’s job

To label something as “woman’s work” is to contribute to gender stereotypes. Huffpost’s Sarah Tinsley talks about the gender stereotyping that occurs during the holiday season and how it affects our children. Girls aren’t biologically wired to be more nurturing, and boys aren’t wired to be more practical. So why do we treat them as if they are, in the gifts that we give them?

The same can be said about those in the workplace. Before you tell your female employee to do some company gift shopping, ask yourself: Am I sending her out because she’s good at picking gifts, or because she’s a woman?

3. Advocate for greater male involvement in holiday preparations

There’s no such thing as “women’s work”, so what you can do is have ALL your employees lend a hand preparing for the holidays — from decorating the office to shopping for gifts to baking the office Christmas party snacks – although maybe not this year! By removing the stigma that it’s a woman’s job to shop or carry out domestic chores, you create a more inclusive and gender-equal workspace.

4. Encourage healthy conversations that tackle gender awareness and sensitivity

Finally, encourage your employees to talk about the issue. Don’t let it be swept under the rug because, often, this is why it continues to be in an issue in the first place. The Women in the Workplace report states that while company commitment to gender parity is generally high, this is often not put into practice. This is usually because many employees aren’t on board with it. But by engaging in conversations with all your employees and getting them to say their piece, you’re creating a safer, more open workspace. And, hopefully, one that is gender-equal.

Gender equality should be non-negotiable. To foster a community of diversity and inclusivity, all genders must be accepted and treated fairly. Voice At The Table can help your company build programs and strategies that promote diversity and inclusivity, all for a healthier workplace. Get in touch with us to learn more!

*Anna Calvin is a freelance blogger who advocates for women‘s empowerment and LGBTQ+ rights. She likes tea. A lot of it.

Let us do the nudging for you!

I was talking to one of our clients recently when the Head of D&I said, “The trouble is, some of our executive leaders don’t really see a problem with diversity. They think that we have a great, inclusive culture and that the lack of diversity is a result of us working in a white, male-dominated sector. How do we make them feel the need to be more inclusive?”

Does that sound familiar? It might do, as it isn’t an isolated occurrence. In my experience, many of the existing leaders – particularly in sectors that are dominated by white men, such as finance, construction and tech – still grapple with the idea that the lack of diversity in their work circles isn’t due to a lack of talented people from different backgrounds and of different identities. In most cases, the lack of diversity is pure and simple a consequence of incomplete inclusion. Sure, most companies are inclusive – to those who look like them and behave like them. But even in cases where inclusion and engagement scores are high, like 80% or even 90%, we’re still talking about 10 to 20 percent of the work force that are not engaged or included. Isn’t that too high a cost?

So how do we make these leaders feel the need for diversity action?

I suggested to my client the use of Inclusion Nudges.

Inclusion Nudges is a concept developed by two senior D&I experts Tinna Nielsen and Lisa Kepinski in 2013. Based on the nudge theory by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, Inclusion Nudges are designed to motivate and encourage people to behave in a more inclusive manner without thinking about it.

Inclusion Nudges are necessary because our behaviour is driven primarily by our subconscious mind – our ‘fast brain’. The part of our brain that reacts quickly based on emotion and learned signals. It is the part of the brain that helped us survive for thousands of years – and hence, our ‘primitive brain’. It is an incredibly efficient system that works beautifully to help us cope with the everyday. That said, this ancient coping mechanism is also riddled with biases – more than 200 of them, and that’s before we add any personal ones that we developed based on our own experiences, preferences and upbringing.

Our thinking brain – the Neocortex (or the ‘slow brain’) doesn’t even realise it when we act in a biased manner. In fact, most of our behaviour choices and judgments don’t even register there.

So even those of us who have the very best intentions not to be biased and to be more inclusive find it difficult to behave this way, given that most of our behaviour is driven by our subconscious mind.

No wonder, then, that most of us – including many who are senior leaders – don’t recognise the fact that their organisation’s lack of diversity is most likely a consequence of behaviours, and not due to any perceived reason.

This is why Inclusion Nudges are so helpful.

So back to my client… I suggested that they try following action from the book on Inclusion Nudges: collect quotes from discussions, exit interviews and any other occasions that bring to life people’s experiences at the company – situations when people felt excluded. Statements such as

When my colleagues go out for a pint after work, I can’t join them because I have to pick up my son. I feel I’m missing out on bonding opportunities, being left behind.

or

When I try to make my point at a meeting, I’m frequently interrupted. This makes me feel insignificant.

or

Once a colleague said to me “You’re Asian and you don’t like spicy foods?” I felt bad for not living up to his stereotype.

The quotes can be presented as part of a meeting on D&I or – for greater impact – taped to the walls of a meeting room (when we’re back meeting each other in actual rooms), set out on paper speech bubbles. Before the meeting starts, the leaders can be invited to walk around and read the quotes, so they can start to feel how some people in the organisation feel. This is a great way to start the conversation about the need for positive action.

Inclusion Nudges offer great techniques to help develop an inclusive workplace. If you’re interested to learn more, do get the book (warning, it’s quite thick!). Or you can reach out to us if you’d like to find out how to use them to address your specific challenge or how to incorporate them into your already-ongoing D&I programme.

It’s time to confess.

It’s National Inclusion Week so I ask myself, am I really inclusive?

To me, being inclusive means first and foremost to welcome and to value that which is different; to appreciate those who look or sound different as enrichment; to know that a new or different person or experience does not pose a threat to my value system.

So am I inclusive?

It’s hard to be inclusive. Our natural instincts tell us to stick to what we know. We love our repeat patterns, our experienced learnings, the familiar. Our primitive brain (the emotional one) steers us towards the familiar and guards us against the unfamiliar. It constantly alerts us “Watch out! They look suspicious! We don’t know their type! They are not like us and therefore unpredictable!” It’s hard for our thinking brain (the neocortex) to override our fearing, second-guessing, reluctant brain. And most of that prodding happens subconsciously – how are we meant to confront that?

For me, inclusion is not about ignoring the impulsive, instantaneous brain – that’s simply impossible to achieve. It’s about understanding that we are being guided by the under-informed, hasty part of our brain and knowing how to question its urging.

This, I know we I can do.

In an effort to make it a little easier for myself and for others to be more inclusive, I have broken down inclusion to 8 inclusive behaviours. Most of these 8 behaviours are self-explanatory and when you see them you’ll say That makes sense. The challenge is to improve in each of these behaviours, to fine-tune its application and to keep doing that for the rest of our lives.

Let me give you a flavour of what I mean by looking at Empathy and Listening – 2 of the 8 inclusive behaviours.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to step into another person’s shoes, so to speak, to try to understand what they might be experiencing. What does it feel like to be asked Where are you from? each time you meet a new person just because you look different from most of those around you? What is it like to constantly hide the fact that your husband or wife is of the same sex as you? What is it like to be watched by the security guard every time you enter a store because you’re black?

To understand that, we need to develop our empathy ‘muscle’. We start by second-guessing our natural reactions. For instance, when you pass someone you’ve met a couple of times in a social setting and they completely ignore you, our immediate thought is they don’t remember you. But if you give it some thought, you might reach a different conclusion. It could be that they can’t see well without their glasses, or that they’re deep in thought about something and simply didn’t register you. Imagine yourself in that situation, have you ever been ‘accused’ of not seeing someone who was almost literally in front of you? What are you like sometimes when you’re walking along? Do you notice everything and everyone? If not, why not? Purposely putting yourself in their shoes makes it easier to see more reasons for their behaviour and easier to understand them. It’s a practiced ritual that, when done in simple everyday encounters eventually extends to situations which are more difficult to understand, like ‘white privilege’.

Listening

Listening in this context means more than just hearing. Listening is about giving someone the opportunity to present their perspective and acknowledging that perspective as someone else’s rightful view. In this day and age, we are so ingrained in our opinions about everything. Instead of listening, we tend to want to persuade and, if that fails, we go on the attack. Social media is full of voices that attempt to drown out other voices.

To listen in order to be more inclusive means acknowledging the fact that another’s viewpoint might have merit, and acknowledging it to them, even if we disagree. “I hear what you’re saying and I can see where you’re coming from…” even if it might then be qualified with a “but”. Practising this with our friends, family members and colleagues who are like us will make it easier to do with people who are unlike us.

The world has moved on. Like it or not, we can’t stand still. We need to break down our old patterns of interaction, be it at home or at work. Becoming more inclusive is about practising to do so with intent in any situation. We need to train our brains to be more discerning and not just follow ingrained patterns. We need to bring some of the unconscious thought processes into the conscious so that we can unravel them and reform new, more complex patterns of behaviours and attitudes.

This, to me, is what being inclusive is all about. With this in mind, I can breathe a sigh of relief and declare that I am more inclusive now than I was even a year ago.

Can you do the same?

To find out more about our 8 Inclusive Behaviours, contact Rina.

Our TABLE Has Five Legs

We’re living in exceptional times. Our world was already changing at a pace that was difficult to maintain, but since the onset of Covid19, traditional thinking and working has been uprooted and deposited as a new challenge. But this also presents us with an opportunity: an opportunity to test our resolve, our systems and processes. It is also a chance to discard convention that is inconsistent with the future direction of society’s travel and calibrate organisational culture with purpose.

Our new destination is to make companies more agile, reactive to societal changes, with a beacon of leadership that proposes a more inclusive future for all stakeholders.

I’m talking about evolving our organisations into TABLE organisations, reshaping relationships with customers, staff and other stakeholders.

A TABLE is one that exhibits the following characteristics: T – THINKING with reflection A – ACTING with purpose B – BEHAVING inclusively L – LOOKING diverse E – EXPRESSING EMOTION

T=Thinking With Reflection

A TABLE organisation is one that allows time for thinking and reflection. It has a culture that welcomes a coaching-style approach to leadership and encourages everyone involved to take individual responsibility for their actions. At the same time, it is led with the benefit of experience and reflection, as well as an appetite for thinking and learning. The Black Lives Matter movement, for instance, has given us an excellent opportunity to pause, reflect and institute impactful changes that address the persisting challenges around racism.

A=Acting with Purpose

In the words of Simon Sinek, a TABLE organisation starts with “why”. The “why” is the purpose.

A purpose that is specific to the particular organisation can act as a litmus test for all organisational activity, constantly asking the question: is this consistent with our purpose or are we straying away from it?

During lockdown, the overriding purpose of most companies has been to ensure both staff and customers are coping well, are connected to each other and are safe. With such a narrow focus and purpose, many leaders were surprised at how quickly they could set up channels of communication, how much empathy colleagues and bosses displayed, how dedicated and motivated everyone was and, in the end, how well everyone coped.

An organisation that unites behind a clear and stated purpose is better equipped to motivate and pull in the same direction. And that became crystal clear during the lockdown.

B=Behaving Inclusively

Most of us think of ourselves as being inclusive. And for the most part we are, so long as it doesn’t require much effort. We encourage and support, we extend rules and policies and we welcome a few token individuals that make our circle more diverse.

But rarely are these efforts enough.

When I talk about “behaving inclusively”, I mean going the extra mile to understand what we don’t know or see and then another mile to develop new habits that allow us to better understand and cater to people from vastly different backgrounds.

L= Looking Diverse

Diversity is the reward for inclusion. An inclusive culture is able to attract, retain and promote a diverse population.

Diversity increases the level of creativity and innovation, begets new ideas and offers previously unnoticed experiences and opinions. It is the gateway to a more complete set of data.

The more diverse and inclusive an organisation, the more information it has to utilise for the fulfilment of its purpose. Lack of diversity at the top therefore, limits what we can achieve.

E= Expressing Emotion

An organisation that is in touch with its feelings, that is unafraid of expressing decisions and motivations in terms of emotions will be better equipped to attract the talent of tomorrow. Emotional and psychological safety is a large part of today’s and tomorrow’s well-oiled, well-functioning organisation. Creating and demonstrating safe space conversations that allow colleagues to express how they feel are valuable tools for leaders who want to attract bright talent. An organisation that speaks from the heart and the mind will be better equipped to deliver on its purpose for more of its stakeholders.

Does your organisation have 5 legs?

To find out which of the 5 legs of your TABLE organisation are more stable and which require more support, get in touch with me.

Mind Your Language!

A few years ago, Voice At The Table had a popular workshop, talking to senior leaders about the significance of using the right words. And then its popularity waned. Now, it seems, the notion that words matter is back: businesses everywhere are dropping old-fashioned terminology like “blacklist” and “master and slave” servers.

Last week, Twitter and JP Morgan announced that they are dropping these controversial terms as well as “whitelist” and “man hours” along with other offenders. Estate agents are also reconsidering the use of the term “master” bedroom.

And what about this “mis-step” by H&M?

Words have a massive impact. We often use them without thinking and without intent to offend. But a simple reflection on some of the words and phrases we regularly use discloses their historical meaning, which is no longer reflective of society: businessman, chairman, black sheep, guys, lads, psycho, schizo, “call a spade a spade”, “boys will be boys”, blind drunk, deaf to the world and many more.

You’re probably surprised about a number of these (as was I), but there are the very basic terms which ought to be obvious. For instance, only days ago, I received an email – an FT newsflash – that announced the stepping down of Lloyds Bank’s current chairman – Antonio Horta-Osorio. His replacement – the next chairMAN – was yet to be named! Does this mean a woman is not a possible contender for the job?

These are shocking mistakes that should not be made these days, especially by organisations that are looking for our trust and loyalty.

Many of us don’t think twice when using these well-trodden words, as they have established meanings that don’t mean to exclude. In the end, however, communication is less about how you say things and more about how what’s being said is heard. That’s why the Use of Language is one of our eight Inclusive Behaviours.

When expressing yourself, instead of saying things like a “female engineer” or a “blind man”, say “a woman on our engineering team” or “a man who is blind”.

Avoid the use of jargon – which is easily caught up in non-inclusive history – and above all, avoid labels. Labels overgeneralise and lump all of us together into one pot, which is most certainly too small to comfortably fit the myriad of shapes, sizes and colours of humanity. Oh, oops, have I just done what I’m asking others not to do? Well, I don’t know.

My main point is, we ought to try, and be more conscious of our words. If we do just that alone, we will be far less likely to mis-step.

Voice At The Table